I walk down the street and hear at times the cries inside the houses, or what I hear people telling their neighbors about the quarrels heard in the night, etc.
Domestic violence has always existed but in this quarantine period the situation can really escalate because forced cohabitation 24 hours can really be an element that can explode violence within families but not only.
Usually people are not all these hours together and in such an uncertain environment where the real and fake news about the virus, the economy, the work, create anxiety and tensions
I apologize if I write you a post again that has as an element although as a reflection of the covid-19, its pandemic and quarantine but the theme often related to women’s personal defense is a way that I use not to lower but guard on a subject still too present and delicate.
Although it doesn’t seem but it’s a topic related to a context analysis and a group of people specific to this company who are stuck to stay in place, probably for a long time and this generates an increased risk of violence including domestic violence.
Everyone in the personal defense industry has been forced to suspend classes and training to try to help slow the spread of COVID-19.!
It was a decision we made before the government stopped and it was very difficult for us to make but maybe because of our background we understood that there was something wrong with the communication, it lacked what I call the principle of consistency between what is said and the actions taken.
This preventive action that is being implemented from the point of view of public health and makes sense, however, touches on one of the topics often covered on the blog and in the specific modules of educational programs that relate to domestic violence of partners and children and domestic abuse both psychological and physical.
While initiatives to keep people indoors are obviously helpful in slowing the spread of the virus, they also increase the risk of violence for women and children who have sick relationships within the home.
In this post I want to draw your attention to the phenomenon of domestic violence of partners or minors in the hope that it will be better understood that the situation of others are not equal to yours not only for economic or housing differences that are really worrying things but there are those who have the problem of their safety, if a full quarantine is mandatory / imposed with a violent person in the house.
I tell you clearly, I am trying to raise awareness of the problem but I do not have a practical solution but if you read and work in this area I think you have to bring on the table those who can take protective actions this issue in this context because this is also a way to take a step beyond the quarantine period.
My intention is not to increase fears but to highlight the real fears and difficulties that some individuals might face at this time with the hope that as/when we come out we do not forget a very real problem that exists in our society as well as the problems related to the hunger of some families who have no income, etc.
For most of us, home is a safe place to stay and where to return the night after work, while public places are places where you’re most at risk.
For victims of domestic violence by partners, the opposite is true, the house is the most dangerous place where they would not want to return!
That is why it is important that policies to protect those who suffer dangerous domestic violence must inherently consider a safe place for women/children and in some cases also men living in violent relationships.
The superficiality of some questions
There are two common and at the same time very trivial questions that people often ask or ask about women who suffer both psychological and physical violence from their partner:
- “How did you let this happen to her?”,
- “Why don’t you leave?”
These two questions are really very trivial because we do not understand how the dynamics of a relationship with such problems take place, it is not a fault because fortunately few people are in this situation, but in 2020 it is important that there is more awareness of how these relationships develop and questions of that kind tend to blame the victim and it makes no sense because she is not the person to blame / denounce/ incriminate.
Society is made up of many people, psychologies and family, socio-economic and that therefore it may be that the person asking these questions in his situation would be worse than the person to whom he “addresses” these questions.
In these types of problems you have to be pragmatic and analyze the individual situation, and the study of the individual situations that allows you to create an analysis of the common elements of all these stories in order to build standard actions that are good for most cases but always with the analysis of the single case to consider the variables but one thing is certain :
- Without a real system of protection the victim is not there (structures would be needed)
- Without economic independence, the victim is not
then there are the variables!
The cycle of family violence
People who abuse within the family rarely show their full crazy action in the early days of a relationship and some of the warning signs that are already there, are often masked and can be easily justified based on their own experience such as:
- someone’s actions that can be interpreted as control,
- or they can also be seen as thoughtful because it can seem flattering to be with someone who always checks where you are, if you’re okay and if there’s something you need, etc.
Often in the early stages of a relationship, individuals who have these kinds of problems are fascinating, attentive and interested in everything about the person they are with, they seem like perfect partners even if an attentive person may already notice some details.
Often this “interest” can in fact relate more to the collection of information, information and information, which can be used to further control the person with whom they have identified their identity.
They are rigid people in their form of thought and control freaks!
Remember that if you are careful it is very easy to contextualize predatory actions and behaviors but in an unusual way and although you considered it annoying maybe not to go out is actually done initially in a flattering and rewarding way.
What I mean is it’s a process, it’s not something that happens in a day.
Do you know the“principle of the boiled frog”?
What this principle says:
Imagine a pot full of cold water in which a frog quietly swims. The fire is lit under the pot, the water heats up slowly. Soon it becomes lukewarm. The frog finds it rather pleasant and continues to swim. The temperature goes up. Now the water is warm. A little more than the frog appreciates. She gets a little tired, but she’s not scared. The water is really too hot now. The frog finds it very unpleasant, but it has weakened, it does not have the strength to react. Then he endures and does nothing. Meanwhile the temperature rises again, until the moment the frog ends – simply – boiled dead.
If the same frog had been submerged directly in the water at 50 degrees it would have given a strong blow of the paw, it would have jumped immediately out of the pot.”
It can be said that this is a metaphor for life(don’t try to replicate this experiment!)to warn people thatadapting isn’t always the best choice to make, indeed, it’s often the worst. We can apply this principle to a wide variety of situations that we face in life such as work, a relationship, a family situation…. In short, looking around you can discover too many situations in which you have a tendency to settle instead of fighting or “run away”.
Basically the biggest fear that people have when it comes to going against something that good or bad leads us to a stasis is that of change:
Inevitably when the frog should jump out of the pot it should also change its situation and this scares it much more than the water that is heating up.
Maybe you can be led to think you’re immune to these kinds of behaviors, but we all have weaknesses that can be exploited and if we’re unlucky enough to run into someone who picks up these things, then there’s likely to be exploited, somehow, step by step.
Attention I repeat, most of those who abuse suffer from a rigidity in their thoughts, regarding relationships and other aspects of their lives.
They can really come to believe that one partner has to meet all the needs of the other partner and that’s it and that you don’t need friends, family or other social contacts, because they can give you everything these people were used to, etc.
They are people who are maniacs of control and of the fact that they know everything!
As a result, the victim is isolated and ends up spending all your time with them, rather than with anyone else, while I don’t want to offend or hurt their feelings.
Sometimes the isolation is:
- in the most serious cases isolation is a built and conscious strategy of the aggressor to exert further control over their partner,
- other times it is the indirect result of the rigid thought of the aggressor.
The attack on self-esteem
This is the stage when the violent partner begins to use psychological and emotional abuse to induce the victim to question their own value and self-esteem.
For example, start with:
- questioning your partner’s commitment to it,
- make form statements whose meaning can be difficult to interpret such as“You’re really lucky to have found someone like me, who doesn’t care that. you’re fat, you have no interests, you’re not feminine, you can’t fuck, etc.”
- tell yourself that you’ve lost your job or that you don’t bring enough money home because you don’t get promotions
In this way, both internal and external relationship factors are stressed where, for example, feeling socially obfuscated or unsuitable compared to their friends isolate themselves or avoid dating their old friends and remain locked in the house for weeks, and in these moments that could take place a physical breakthrough.
Physical abuse or violence can begin in direct or indirect form.
The direct form is contactless and takes place in several ways:
- with an intimidating posture,
- throwing objects near your partner, rather than towards them,
- preventing you from going out or entering a room,
- snatching objects from their hands,
- et cetera.
The direct form:
- Tear off your clothes
- et cetera.
Guilt after violence
Often after these outbursts of violence they become extremely sorry and victims of themselves and begins a honeymoon period, where they become the most caring and attentive person.
And that’s the real deception, you’re in front of a sick person!
If you have invested your time in a relationship and many flights will have done so, you can certainly see the positive side of your partner but you also recognize and understand the pressures to which you are subject and that make you change your habits, etc. to which you have given up (exits with friends, travel, disco, sports, etc.), is also part of a normal relationship a compromise between two people but try to imagine if there is a real prevarication , many people do not receive physical violence but often psychological violence.
Often these people are cowards and if they know that a family member, a brother, someone goes there and smashes his head, hardly becomes violent, but that does not mean that he uses a psychological violence that blocks the person, creating a loop certainly less obvious but no less harmful.
And it is likely that this is precisely why they justify and forgive these behaviours rather than abandoning the relationship.
Emotionally the person is involved.
You have to understand that there is a profound difference between understanding and analyzing a situation that is going on as a detached, relaxed person, looking from the outside that can also make you cold and cynical in the face of a situation of domestic violence but when it happens to you, especially if there are children involved and you have little financial independence are just chatter and even those who think strong in that situation could be even more in the abyss of the person who is watching.
The Family Cycle
Once the cycle becomes “familiar”, the mistreated part begins to adapt and learn to cope and manage these situations, often recognizing the signals and somehow preparing.
This unfortunately is not enough to make the aggressor stop but it is what he thinks it is necessary to do to survive initially.
It is a cycle that always has the same loop, where the time will come, when the stress grows and explodes, that the partner becomes physically violent and punches, slaps, kicks and the cycle of abuse begins again:
- honeymoon period,
- phase of stress building,
- explosion of violence,
- et cetera.
Unfortunately it is a set of psychological mental process, of fear, of economic conditions, family conditions that create that loop that actually has no solutions and that is why you should never neglect the signals that you have even when you know each other at the beginning, as boyfriends, as cohabitants, etc.
When you get to the stage of the family cycle it is very likely that the violent partner will start cutting every possible means of escape.
As I told you before there are many reasons why people are not able to leave; and this also applies to women who hold positions of power in companies, organizations and societies, etc. and relate to economic blackmail, threats, blackmail, etc.
Domestic violence against partners and children is not limited to certain income groups and demographics.
I’m aware that this is one way or if you want a very simplified example of an extremely complex problem like domestic violence but what’s important is that you don’t have to be indifferent to these episodes, someone may need you, not turn the other way.
The times we are currently in are uncertain and disturbing and this helps to increase everyone’s stress levels, however fortunately for most people this will not contribute/will trigger their partner to violent actions both psychological and physically violent towards them.
For some, a period of forced quarantine can result in a bit of restriction-related anxiety but also a relaxing time, but for others it could be a much riskier time.
Street Fight Mentality